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What is Flirtology?

Flirtology is a science-based method of teaching flirting. Using scientific research, and proven flirting techniques, I can help anyone to become a Fearless Flirter.

I have helped thousands of others, and I can help you too. Are you ready to take a major fork in the road, which will positively affect the rest of your life? Welcome to Flirtology!


One Question and Then Decide

What is the first thing that happens after deciding that you ‘like’ someone? Whether it’s someone whom you already know or someone you’ve just spotted, after adding the like label, does everything just become easy? With a relaxed confidence, do you stride over and immediately introduce yourself? My guess is no. What I found with my clients is that once they identify that they like someone, the next feeling is pressure…

Let’s say that, somehow, despite the added pressure, you do manage to go over and say hi. Do you find that the person’s inside is as gorgeous as their outside? Do you still ‘like’ the person, once you’ve actually had a conversation? On the other hand, has it ever happened that you didn’t initially find someone attractive, and had even written them off, but after speaking to them, your interest rose?

‘Liking’ someone at first glance is not helpful to you. It falsely represents your feelings towards someone, skewing fantasy and reality. One of my clients told me she spent an entire evening at a friend’s party, obsessing over one of the guys that she ‘liked’. She didn’t meet anyone else that night, and used all of her energy towards this stranger. At the very end of the night, she used liquid courage to go up and introduce herself, and then realised, ‘He’s kind of a jerk’. Meanwhile, she could have been having lots of great conversations with other people, potentially someone whom she did connect with, but hadn’t noticed initially.

From now on, I suggest not making any initial judgements as to whether you like someone until you’ve asked them one question. That’s it. And, by that time, you would have already done the hardest part anyway, which is getting yourself over there in the first place.

Don’t make any decisions on liking until asking one question. If this sounds like a useful idea to you, then this is just the beginning, my friend. There are so many other, big and small, things that you can do to help you meet your partner. If you are interested in learning more, you are in luck. I will be once again be running my sold-out course, 8 Weeks to a Match: Find Your Partner by Fall. Click here to learn more.

How to Tell When Someone is Flirting with You

Hey lovely flirters! Today I wanted to share with you a clip that I made with my lovely intern, Miles. Please forgive us, as the sound quality isn’t the best. However, you will find the people I interviewed, and their flirting advice, is of the highest quality! I must admit, I also did a little flirting of my own that day…

But, before you go, are you interested in become a class A flirt, because you want to use your new-found skills to find yourself a luuuuurve match? Well, then it’s your lucky day. I am running my sold out course again, ‘8 Weeks to a Match: Find your Partner by Fall’. And, the early bird really does get the match, and a big discount. Have a look here.






Why your Partner Criteria is All Wrong

You are on a first date: how do you know if the person sitting across from you is going to be your next Mr. or Ms. Right? If you are the woman I met on Saturday night, you will make him skip. She tells me, ‘This shows that he is up for a laugh’. She then added,  ‘Oh, don’t worry. I always go first to show them how’. Another woman said that if he doesn’t share his food, it’s an immediate no-go. Both of these women have good points. Who wouldn’t want a partner who was up for a laugh and shares their food? But then I think of my wonderful husband, who would, flat out refuse to do the ‘skip’ test, (although he has a wonderful sense of humour) and certainly doesn’t share his food with me (much to my annoyance). I would have missed out on a wonderful partner, if I had based our potential future relationship on these two criteria.

But these aren’t the only situations where people are using the wrong criteria to assess potential partners. One client told me that because she was assertive and confident, that the man would have to be the one to approach her otherwise, she believed, she would railroad right over him. I understand why this woman would need someone equally confident but, once again, the criteria she was using, was completely ineffective. My husband is self-assured, and certainly an equal partner for me, but would have never come up to me without knowing me or someone whom I was with. Her criteria means she is attracting the wrong guys and missing out on the right ones. There are far too many case of women making up their own yard sticks, without any merit, and using them to assess potential partners. They’re doing themselves more harm than good.

Now, if you are a guy, you are probably in the other direction, you don’t have enough criteria. For guys, it’s a matter of three simple criteria to gauge Ms. Right:

  1. All of your friends are settling down. This has less to do with the woman, and everything to do with your timing in life.
  2. She is pretty. Not pretty as in a model, or everyone stares when she enters a room, kind of way. It’s just that you think she’s pretty (and it doesn’t hurt if your friends agree, although not too much. You don’t want your friends lusting over your lady)
  3. She is nice to you. You want to be with someone who you look forward to share your space with. Not a drama queen, not someone uptight, just nice.

There, that’s it. No skipping involved for the women. I am not suggesting that this is a better way. In fact, most of my male clients are very perplexed when I ask them what their 5 Deal-breakers are for a partner (5 must-have criteria for a future mate). ‘Oh well, I’ve never thought of that before’ is the frequent response.

Whether you are looking for a man or a woman, it’s important to think about what is really important to you: the five deal-breakers. Everything else is either a Christmas wish list or something sparkly, that’s not important, but very distracting. You can read more about deal-breakers here. Or, better yet, sign up for some private coaching with the expert ( I don’t care what Gove says, an expert is very useful), and know that you are completely on track.

credit: JorisLouwes

The Most Important Thing, That You’re not Doing

Why don’t we ever say anything to Shelia in accounting when she, continually, pilfers our favourite pens? Nor do we say anything to our friend Brian, when he assumes that we will pick up the tab…again? Why don’t tell our parents that we’d love for them to come and stay with us, but not for 10 days?

Why don’t we ever say anything?

It’s because we don’t have boundaries. And, we are afraid of what might happen if we lay some down. But this is a mistake, according to Brene Brown. It’s also one of the biggest misconceptions that she found in her research. While you might be thinking that if you put down some boundaries people might get upset, or even stop liking you. She found that putting down boundaries has the opposite effect. It doesn’t make people like you less or make you feel horrible. It actually increases your capacity for love and compassion.

‘The most compassionate and loving people i have met are those with firm boundaries’ – Brene Brown

You can watch more of her amazing interview here. http://www.estherperel.com/boundaries/

How can you become better at boundaries? My advice is to use ‘The 3 Be’s’:

  1. Be true to yourself. The more we stifle our inner voice, the harder it is becomes to act how we really want to be. The more you start listening and acting accordingly, the easier it becomes.
  2. Be clear. Don’t make the mistake of being ambiguous thinking that it will make things easier. It won’t. It will only make things more confusing. Don’t be passive aggressive, hoping they will get the hint (they don’t think anything is wrong, why would they be looking for a hint?)
  3. Be kind. This means being kind to yourself first, by setting the boundary. And then kind to the other person, by giving a straightforward, calm, and clear delivery. Assume that this person is doing the best they can and not, intentionally, trying to piss you off.

Most importantly, if you follow these three rules, it means that you won’t be caught up in their response. They are free to react to you, however they would like. You did your bit, the only part you have any control over, and now they can do theirs. You are separate from them. You are not responsible for them.

I will be giving a talk on ‘How to turn a confrontation into a conversation with work colleagues’ this Tuesday at an event run by Stylist. You can find out more here.