The science of flirting. Used to help people achieve better outcomes in a minefield of romantically-based social interactions. Focusing on the signs of attraction, flirting skills and self-image, Flirtology is used to help people establish new and effective flirting behaviours.
One of the requested post topics from my community, was how to turn a friendship into something more, without losing the friendship. Well, I consulted with my friend Dr. Jeffrey Hall, over at the University of Kansas on this one.
Q: Is starting with a friendship a good way to begin a romantic relationship?
A: When asked about their opposite-sex friendships, nearly 52 percent of people said they were either openly or secretly attracted to a platonic friend. For most people, platonic friendships are a pathway to romance: two-thirds of men and nearly half of women agreed that friendship could become a path toward sexual intimacy.
You have all the time in the world to meet someone, right? No? Well, then you have all the time in the word to fit dates with random people into your busy week, right? No, again? Well, then why are you still online dating and using dating apps.
True, it’s easy to get dates using these mechanisms. But, is it really a good use of your time? Let’s look at the process. You spend a couple weeks to-ing and fro-ing with someone. You finally set up a meeting time. Add in time spent getting ready, travelling to and from the date, and time spent on the actual date. With all that time invested, let’s hope that you are at least meeting someone you could potentially click with. But how many of these people are actually viable candidates for you?
Dating is about quality, not quantity. Isn’t it better to get a couple, really good dates, with people who could be potential partners, than wasting hours of time with the wrong people? Do you think your potential partner is going to be a random person in cyberspace, who is connected to no one, and has no vested interest in you?
Let me ask you a question. At this stage in your life, do you think that there will be lots of people that could potentially be your long-term partner, or just a few? For most of us, that number is small. We are not 16 anymore, when our criteria consisted of someone being cute and can drive his dad’s car so we can go to the mall.
At this point in our lives, there probably aren’t that many people who we want to see brushing their teeth, for the next 30 years. Am I right? Therefore, why are we surprised that most of our dates don’t work out. The majority of the people we meet, aren’t ‘the one’. This is fine. It’s not rejection that she didn’t want to go out again, it just means that you weren’t a good match. There is nothing wrong with you just because he never responded to your text, you are just not the one he envisaged walking down the aisle with. You weren’t a match.
If your baseline is always, ‘I only want to be with someone who likes me’, then all of the non-matches are actually just part of an efficient weeding out system. This is a logical process that helps keep you on track with those who are and those who aren’t good matches for you. Act like yourself, and you will attract those who are a good match for you. However, this only works if you are doing everything else correctly, i.e. have a healthy outlook, know who you are looking for, where to find him/her and are skilled at starting up conversations. I can help you with that with some private coaching or come on my Fearless Flirting Tours.
I know what you might be thinking, ‘Ugh, why are we spending so much time on rejection? It’s such a downer!’. Well, it doesn’t have to be. As I mentioned last week, there are a few alternate perspectives on rejection, that are much better than your current one. It doesn’t mean that they are true and your current one isn’t, just as your current one isn’t true either. It’s just that I think you will find my offerings serve you much better. Alternative 1 is about not letting others (especially strangers) hold the key to your self-worth.
If you are using flirting as a way to find out what others’ think of you, you are in for a world of hurt. It’s like approaching people, full of holes, and expecting them to fill you. No wonder it hurts when they are not willing to do that for you. In this scenario, you are always dependent on others to do something for you, to make you happy. What about if you filled those holes yourself, through awareness, meditation, self-development, or whatever else you needed? You could then approach people full, not needing, or taking, anything from them. They certainly couldn’t reject you. How can you reject someone who isn’t asking anything from you?
Don’t give the task of ‘making you feel good’ to other people. Instead, be so full, that your cup spilleth over and you only give. Whether it’s your time, attention, compliments, or your ear. Quite simply, your current view of rejection has to do with being afraid of what others’ think of you. Take that out of the equation, and there is nothing to ‘reject’.
Next week, we will be taking a logical, more maths based approach to rejection. I hope one of these alternate views will resonate with you.