Featured post

Nov
20
What is Flirtology?

Flirtology is a science-based method of teaching flirting. Using scientific research, and proven flirting techniques, I can help anyone to become a Fearless Flirter.

I have helped thousands of others, and I can help you too. Are you ready to take a major fork in the road, which will positively affect the rest of your life? Welcome to Flirtology!

emptybenches

May
15
The Surprising Reason you are Still Single

I have been wanting to write about this topic for awhile. So, thank you, Jennifer, for spurring me along. Just a warning, today’s post contains a few hard truths. Jennifer* (Not her real name) wrote to me confused about why she was still single. She told me she was ‘well acquainted in the art of flirting and indeed relationships in general’. She also said she gave her friends excellent advice on their relationships and told me she had no problems making herself appealing to men.  She thought she was doing everything right. Her confusion is understandable! Are you like Jennifer? Are you doing everything right, but you’re still single?

If we look a bit deeper, it appears that Jennifer has created the perfect story for herself as to why she can’t find a partner. Since she felt that she was doing everything right, she decided that she wasn’t meeting anyone because she has high standards and won’t settle for ‘second best’. This is the perfect excuse because it means that she doesn’t have to take the tough step of looking inwards, and making any changes to herself or behaviour. In the story that she has created, it’s simply a case of the men (yes, all millions of them) not being good enough for her. She just has high standards, that’s all.

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May
01
How to Get Someone to Like You

There is a big misconception on how to get people to like you. The fact is, trying to get people to like you is a long, laborious, and ineffectual task. It doesn’t work like that. Do you want to know what does work? Liking others! As Dale Carnegie says, ‘You can make more friends in two months by being interested in others than you can in two years by trying to get people to become interested in you.’

Being alluring is easy. All you have to do is make other people feel good. Everyone wants to be in the company of someone who make them feel special, unique, and understood. Being alluring is about making people feel good about themselves. In return, they will feel good about you.

People get this the wrong way around. Rather than showing others their  warmth, or giving them attention, they hold back, or don’t show interest. They have a fear of being rejected. Playing it cool is never optimal. Who would you rather spend time with? Someone who laughs, listens, and is generous in their attention; or someone who is cool and distant? There is no doubt that being direct in your interest is best. Why? Because directness cancels out ambiguity. Still not convinced? Read this article that I contributed to Science of Relationships to find out why, according to science, Direct is Best.

Concern about rejection controls much of our behaviour. We will deal with techniques to change how to deal with rejection in a later lesson. In the meantime, let’s concentrate on some techniques to show people you like them. You can incorporate the body language techniques that you learnt earlier in the course. The techniques of open body language are a great start to show people you like them. But another way to show people you like them is to think S.C.O.R.E.

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Apr
24
You Let Someone Down Gently and They Don’t Like it!

Last week’s post was about how to let people down gently. If you haven’t read this already, I urge you to do so. If everyone followed this advice, there would be a much healthier dating arena, one where people could be built up, rather than torn down.

However, this week’s post is about what to do when you have let them down gently, and they don’t take it well.

To recap, Sondra reluctantly went out with a guy ‘to be polite’. Quite quickly, she confirmed that this wasn’t someone with whom she wanted to spend more time. Sondra is a nice person, so she didn’t want to hurt his feelings and tell him that she wasn’t interested. She called upon some girlfriends for advice.

This is what she said, ‘‘I was asking some girlfriends about what to do. One advised to be aloof, another said not to respond again, another said to tell him that I met up with my ex during the week, and I think it’s back on with him, so it wouldn’t be appropriate to meet.’

These solutions might seem like the easiest way for Sondra’s friends to get out of situations that they don’t want to deal with, but none of these suggestions are about treating someone with kindness and respect.  I shared with Sondra the best way to do it, and she followed my advice. (I love it when that happens!). However, the guy didn’t take it well…

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friend zone

Apr
17
How to Let Someone Down Gently

Sondra went on a date. Even before the date, she told me that she didn’t really want to go, but that she had agreed ‘out of politeness’. She could also tell during the date that, for many reasons, this wasn’t someone with whom she wanted to spend more time. It was a weeknight; she was tired and wanted to go home, but her date kept urging her to stay out later. Again, she wanted to be polite so, against her will, she stayed out longer. He then asked her out again and, not wanting to be rude, she agreed. He texted her the next day to check when she was free. Not actually wanting to see him again, she said she was busy. This is a true story, by the way. In fact, it might have happened to you. When I spell it out like this, it might seem like she is leading him on. The irony is that in her mind, she did all of these things, to avoid hurting his feelings; she had the misguided notion that this was the nicest way to spare him any feelings of rejection. So, do you think this worked?

In today’s post, you will learn how to let someone down gently. This is such an important subject that I can’t believe that I have never addressed it before. So, thanks to Sondra (not her real name) for bringing it to my attention. By implementing the actions in today’s post, you can help create a healthy dating arena where people can be happy and confident, even when things don’t work out with individuals. I would ask you to please pass this on to any single friends, in order to create a healthy dating atmosphere, where people can be their best selves.

Chances are, you will not form a major relationship, with most people you meet (especially if you meet them randomly, like online dating or dating apps.) This is just a logical part of the dating process and one that we often ignore. If you keep this in mind, it means that you don’t have to take things personally when most of your dates, for whatever reasons, don’t turn into magical fairy tales.

This is why it’s imperative that there is a good way to let people know that you don’t think it’s a  match, if they haven’t yet figured out that it’s not going to be a love connection. Stalling, hiding, or trying to sugar coat things does not work. So, then how do you do it?

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