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Nov
20
What is Flirtology?

Flirtology

noun. flərt·ˈäləjē

The science of flirting. Used to help people achieve better outcomes in a minefield of romantically-based social interactions. Focusing on the signs of attraction, flirting skills and self-image, Flirtology is used to help people establish new and effective flirting behaviours.

Apr
13
How to Secure a Second Date

You’ve landed yourself a date! Woo! Great job you! So, let’s move on to how you’re going to get another one afterwards. As harsh as it sounds, the dating world isn’t one of second chances and giving benefit of the doubt. It is, sadly, quick to judge. Just like a performance review, your

Credit: Who Dates Where

Credit: Who Dates Where

dating future can so easily be determined by one two-hour dinner. No wonder people get nervous!
It might seem paradoxical to then say ‘just be yourself’. The truth is, that’s all we know how to do. Pretending to be someone you’re not is tiring and although playing by the rules might just get you a second date, you won’t be able to keep up the charade forever.

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Apr
06
How to Let Someone Know You’re Interested

So, you’ve sighted a cutie and you want to let them know you’re interested. What’s the plan of action? You could of course just go straight up to them, tap them on the shoulder and say, “hey, I dig you. I think we should go grab some dinner.” Or maybe not.

Credit: Renee Cayton

Credit: Renee Cayton

The first port of call is the eyes. As well as being the window to the soul, they’re also incredibly useful flirting tools! Lock eyes for one-mississippi-two-mississippi-three-mississippi and you know there’s some mutual interest’ kind of like an attraction egg timer. No matter if you only get to two seconds – that’s still enough to get the ball rolling.

 

The next thing to do is move closer. Proximity is one of the six signs of attraction; it doesn’t matter where you are: a bar, a gallery, a grocery store. What matters is that you get closer. How else do you expect to strike up a conversation?

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Mar
30
When your Comfort Zone becomes too Comfy

We all have a comfort zone and most people choose to operate within those confines whenever they can. What they don’t realise is that comfortable just means safe. It doesn’t mean content. Comfort zones can often work against us. Just because we’re used to them doesn’t mean they’re the best way to go. Staying within this zone often means avoiding hurt, avoiding rejection. But safeguarding yourself against negative feelings might prevent you from taking a chance for positive change. Comfortable can often be lonely.

It seems counter intuitive to put yourself in a position when both your mind and body are telling you not to do something. I was reminded of this recently when I took a course in the flying trapeze. At many stages throughout the exercise, I felt I was going against sanity: as I climbed the tall, narrow ladder to the top, as I jumped off the platform to swing high into the sky, as I hooked my legs around the swinging bar and let my hands go, and as I let go of my grip on the bar to do a back circle dismount, into the net. My mind and body kept screaming, ‘This is wrong! This is scary! Are you crazy?’ You don’t have to be 32 ft in the air to have this reaction, it often happens at the mere thought of starting a conversation with someone, even with both feet, firmly planted.

Those protective mechanisms were put in place for a good reason. But, unlike our hunter/gatherer ancestors who needed these signals to protect them from real danger, like a wild animal who was about to eat them, we don’t have these same concerns in our modern, western lives. Yes, that’s right, we’ve over-evolved. We are stuck with this ‘danger alert’ mechanism that we don’t need. So how do we overcome this in order to take that first step out of our comfort zones?

1) Don’t listen to the voices inside your head.

Voices; we all have them, and they are usually are more nagging aunt Edna, than cool, hippie friend. So, just do what you would do when encountered with an egocentric windbag: tune it out. Again, counter intuitive, but don’t assume those voices in your head are right. Don’t listen!

2) Be logical

The first time I climbed up the ladder for my flying trapeze routine, I was nervous, scared and even trembling. It didn’t get any better as I stood on the small wooden platform 32 feet in the air. However, my logical voice told my scared voice that it was ‘normal’ to be scared, that I had never done it before, and the next time wouldn’t be as scary. My logical voice was right. It got easier every time.

3) You’re not going to be good at something straight away

Often what keeps us from trying is the fear that we won’t be any good or that we will make fools of ourselves. Would you expect to be fluent in a new language straight away? Become a professional athlete after one game of tennis? Play the guitar well after only a few lessons? What we tend to forget is that being good at something takes time. It’s a process. Your first step out of your comfort zone will not make you a professional. That’s fine, just keep it up. As Malcolm Gladwell says, anyone can be an expert in anything if they put in 10,000 hours.

4) Take a leap of faith

The main thing stopping us is the fear of the unknown. We don’t know what is outside our comfy bubble, but whatever it is has the potential to make us look foolish. But the more often we step out of our comfort zone the less ‘unknowns’ there are. If you continue to do it, your comfort bubble becomes bigger and what makes you uneasy becomes smaller. So, just close your eyes, don’t listen to the voices in your head and take the leap. You’ll soon find that it’s not as scary as you had imagined.

Mar
23
If you Must Online Date…

I might have shot myself in the foot. Recently, I received an email from someone in the community wanting help with her online profile. She prefaced it by saying, ‘I know you don’t approve’. And she hasn’t been the first to mention feeling guilty about doing online dating because of my views. Lovely people of Flirtology, I just want you to be happy. Whichever road takes you there, is alright by me. I think there are much better ways to get you there than online dating. However, if that’s what you want to do, then let me help you make it as efficient as possible. As I did with my client and her profile, I will now write down my suggestions.

1) Limit yourself to one site.
Do it for 6 months. If you aren’t having luck, then change to a different one. Do not think you will maximize your chances by doing three at once. You will just get confused and overwhelmed. (And, have more passwords to forget).

2) Think about which one really suits you.
Don’t join Guardian Soulmates if you are a Telegraph reader. If you aren’t a Brit, My Single Friend is probably not a good match for you. I always equate Match.com to All Bar One (you never know who you’ll get, but the average Joe will certainly be there). It seems simple, but do a little research about the different online dating communities, and you will find a pool of whom you have the most in common with. Hint: stay away from the free sites!

3) Choose your Pictures Wisely
Do you look hot in your photo? No? Don’t use it! Does your photo look at all like you? No? Don’t use it. Use the most recent, best photo of you that you can find. People are shallow and they don’t like to be deceived. And, don’t use any group shots. Just lil’ ol’ you, that’s it. No one wants to be see a photo of you and your best friend (unless they are interested in having a threesome).

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