The science of flirting. Used to help people achieve better outcomes in a minefield of romantically-based social interactions. Focusing on the signs of attraction, flirting skills and self-image, Flirtology is used to help people establish new and effective flirting behaviours.
I have been working with a client who says that he can’t seem to attract the right women. He gets attention from women, but not the ones that he wants. We went over his strategy and current behavior on dates. It became clear that he was doing three things wrong, which meant that women weren’t interested in seeing him again. He is a great guy, so fine-tuning these issues means that he is now having much more success with compatible women.
His First mistake was…
1) Acting more friendly than flirty.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; nobody wants a new mate when they are in the dating game. If they don’t feel like you want to bed them, then they will not be interested in seeing you again. Fortunately, you know a flirting expert (me!). Let’s go over the 6 successful flirting signals that I identified in my research. You can read about them here. Better yet, why don’t you join me for my flirting event with the Indytute, where we will be going over the flirting signs together.
2) Don’t be too keen
That night, after their date, my client texted the woman telling her how much he enjoyed the date. The next day, he texted asking her if she would like to go out again. The next day, he texted her that he had researched a place to go for dinner and a bar to meet at before. She replied that she didn’t feel they were right for each other. In theory, his actions are lovely, and women usually complain because men don’t do these things. However, a bit of breathing room is needed, so the other person has time to think about you. When we are unsure what the other person is thinking it creates a bit of intrigue, and interest for, the other person. However, don’t go too far in the other direction; there is a fine line between creating interest and being an ass!
One of the many fun things that I get to do, as part of my job, is to act as wing-woman for my clients. On our nights out together, they are always surprised at how easy it is to start up conversations. Because, at the beginning of the evening, the idea that this could actually be…gulp…fun, is the last thing on their minds. At the beginning, they are only feeling nervousness, awkwardness, hesitation, and even fear. I have seen enough transformations to recognise that there are 4 components that cause this unjust fear.
If you are doing any of the following, you will be held back from meeting attractive, interesting people:
- You’re letting your mind rule the show
Notice how your mind loves telling you what’s going to happen if you were to go up and speak with someone? And that it’s not saying things like, ‘You are so funny. That person is just going to love it if you went up to say hi!’. Recognise that your mind chatter is not right; tell your mental chatter to ‘buzz off’ and go see for yourself that most people are quite open to having a nice lil’ chat with a stranger.
- You aren’t used to doing it, therefore it feels awkward
Look, approaching is a skill. And, like any skill the more you do it, the easier it gets. If you don’t do something often, you will probably feel a little awkward whilst doing it. Skiing? French lessons? Chess? Just keep practicing. You *will* get better.
Let’s change the tune a bit. I am here for more than just helping you learn how to flirt or find a partner. Really, my calling is about helping you to become a happier, healthier you.
2014 has now been filed in ‘the past’; we have a new year ahead of us and there has never been a better time to think about the concept of time. How do you feel about it? Does it go too quickly, too slowly? Do you feel you never have enough of it?
I was in a yoga pose the other day, ‘dancer’. It consists of standing on one leg, leaning your upper body forward, while using one hand to grasp the leg behind you, holding it up in the air. As I got into the pose, I could feel my back foot slipping from my grasp. I couldn’t wait to get out of the pose. Immediately I started thinking, ‘My foot is going to slip. It’s going, it’s going. How much longer? 3 more breaths? I am never going to last.’
I wanted to get out of this uncomfortable situation as soon as possible and three breaths seemed like an eternity. Then, I changed my attitude. I decided to embrace that moment, that pose and that breath. I tried to get as deep into that pose as I could. You know what happened? I forgot that my foot was slipping, that I was uncomfortable and that I wanted to ‘hurry it along’. When I embraced that moment, and that was my entire world, everything was just fine.
So, as we wrap up 2014 and look ahead to our new year, have your resolutions, make changes, but just make sure not to spend too much time in the past or the future. When we are in the present, the only ‘true’ aspect of life, this is when everything is just fine.
Have a look at this video ‘It is Always Now’ by the neuroscientist, Sam Harris.
it’s 2015, a time for New Year’s resolutions and new beginnings. You probably are determined and more focused than ever to meet someone; the problem is you don’t know how.
It might seem like online dating is the easy solution. After all, everyone knows ‘someone’ who met their partner online. I proffer, if millions of people are doing it, then why aren’t there more matches? I’ll tell you why, it’s because online dating sucks.
- You don’t know what you’re getting. The people you meet online could be the nicest people on earth, or aliens from an undiscovered planet. You don’t know, because they haven’t been given the ‘V-4’ seal of approval by anyone you know. They haven’t been vouched for.
- Which means, if you don’t have instant chemistry with them you think, ‘next’. However, if Susan at work, your Aunt Edna, or your best friend had set it up, you’d be willing to give him or her another chance. How can you really know someone in one date?
- The illusion of choice. No need to spend much time with someone, because the illusion is that there are many others out there, just waiting to meet you!
- But the online dating companies don’t really want you to meet someone because it’s bad for business. Conflict of interest? Ya’ think?
- It takes a lot of time. In a study by Eli J Finkel of Northwestern Univ, the avg online dater spent 13.5 hours a week online for an average of 1.5 hours face time.