The science of flirting. Used to help people achieve better outcomes in a minefield of romantically-based social interactions. Focusing on the signs of attraction, flirting skills and self-image, Flirtology is used to help people establish new and effective flirting behaviours.
As a Flirtologist, I often come across people who would like to learn how to flirt in order to attract someone they like. Whilst helping such a large number of people, I have recognised that people make the same four mistakes when wanting to find a partner. To be clear, it’s not hard to find a partner; it’s not hard to have a wedding. What I want for you is a wonderful, well-matched partner, one that you will still be delightfully happy with in 20 years time. Now, finding him/her needs a different approach. Therefore, these next four weeks will be dedicated to helping you learn what you are doing wrong and how to fix it.
Mistake 1: Starting Your Search at the end of the Journey.
If this whole dating process seems like a lot of hard work, it’s most likely because you are doing it wrong. Quite possibly, you are approaching it in the wrong order, working on the final steps first, without considering the ones that come before. It’s like running a marathon, but only showing up a mile before the finish line. What about the practice? The warm-up? The first 25 miles?
It’s no use only putting your energy and attention into ‘tip of the iceberg’ things, such as how to make eye contact and deciding which online dating site you will gift with your hard-earned money. First, you must complete the steps that come at the beginning, such as, knowing what you are looking for in a partner, where to find them and, most importantly, being happy with yourself. Otherwise, you could be wearing the best outfit, know exactly how to seduce anyone, but if you don’t ultimately believe that anyone finds you attractive, then there is no point.
Lipstick applied? Check! Rockin’ the gorgeous new top? Check! Tickets for cool art event in hand? Check! Excellent, all the external elements are in place. The only thing missing now is your belief that you can attract people. Without this, the rest is irrelevant.
As the party season comes quickly upon us, we will be mixing and mingling with more people than usual. For some of you, this is something to look forward to, but for many others, it fills you with dread. But don’t worry, use these five simple steps to build instant rapport and leave a great impression.
How to accelerate the ‘liking’ process:
- Get people to talk about things they are passionate about. Life is too short to be in a boring conversation, but everyone has something interesting to say. Find out what that is, with a little exploring in the conversation. As a ‘rapport building’ bonus, when people talk about subjects they like, it puts them in a good mood. And you, my friend, become encapsulated in that good mood.
Credit: Renee Cayton
- Use touch, humour and eye contact in order to stimulate oxytocin. This is the ‘feel-good’ chemical that the body makes when you touch, laugh, and make extended eye contact with someone.
- Learn, remember, and use people’s names whilst in conversation. How do you do that? Don’t think about yourself when you are first introduced to someone. Listen and repeat the name to yourself several times. Perhaps, link it to someone else you know with that name.
Credit: My Dear Valentin
The following scenario might sound familiar. You go out with a guy. You had a fun time. You want to see him again. You start thinking about him all the time. You tell your friends how much you have in common. You even start imagining what your life would be together. Maybe you could even fall in love with him…
STOP IT! Stop doing that! Let’s put things in perspective. This guy, the one who you are imagining spending the rest of your life with, is a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger minus 2 hours, which was the amount of time you spent together on the date. You don’t even know him. How can he fill up most of your thought space? If we agree that you barely know this guy, yet you are using most of your thought space thinking about him, does it most likely mean that you are imagining/creating most of the things about him? And, would you agree, that the more thought space you give to this nice stranger who you enjoyed a fine meal with, the more powerful he becomes? Before you know it, he is as close to omnipresent as it gets, and all it took was one coffee for him reach this immortal position. Slow down, take a breath, and put things in perspective. You had fun, he was nice, you’d like to see him again. End of story. Stop there. Don’t let yourself get carried away speculating about the unknown and giving weight to the unknown. I can guarantee that he’s not. He’s carrying on with his life. He is thinking, ‘She was nice. I might like to do that again sometime soon.’ And then he is going to the pub/basketball/yoga or whatever.
So, you wanna’ know how to get a boyfriend? You carry on with your fabulous, full, fantastic life and when a cool guy enters the picture, you keep carrying on with your full, fabulous, fantastic life, but make time to slot him in here and there. You don’t stop doing anything, you don’t rearrange your friends or activities. You take it day by day until you both feel that you’d like to take things more seriously, or it’s pretty obvious that it’s time to move on. But, whatever you do, keep things in perspective. If you need an objective, social anthropologist in your corner to help you, I am here. Contact me.
It seems counter intuitive to put yourself in a position when both your mind and body are telling you not to do something. I was reminded of this recently when I took a course in the flying trapeze. At many stages throughout the exercise, I felt I was going against sanity: as I climbed the tall, narrow ladder to the top, as I jumped off the platform to swing high into the sky, as I hooked my legs around the swinging bar and let my hands go, and as I let go of my grip on the bar to do a back circle dismount, into the net. My mind and body kept screaming, ‘This is wrong! This is scary! Are you crazy?’ You don’t have to be 32 ft in the air to have this reaction, it often happens at the mere thought of starting a conversation with someone, even with both feet, firmly planted.
Those protective mechanisms were put in place for a good reason. But, unlike our hunter/gatherer ancestors who needed these signals to protect them from real danger, like a wild animal who was about to eat them, we don’t have these same concerns in our modern, western lives. Yes, that’s right, we’ve over-evolved. We are stuck with this ‘danger alert’ mechanism that we don’t need. So how do we overcome this in order to take that first step out of our comfort zones?