The science of flirting. Used to help people achieve better outcomes in a minefield of romantically-based social interactions. Focusing on the signs of attraction, flirting skills and self-image, Flirtology is used to help people establish new and effective flirting behaviours.
What is Flirting? This is a question that I asked 250 single people whilst researching my book, ‘The Flirt Interpreter’.
Flirting is about starting conversations, about meeting people, about brightening up someone’s day. We are social beings. We thrive on interaction — sometimes it’s an exchange of opinions; sometimes of ideas; sometimes of smiles.
However you define flirting, effective techniques have a number of elements in common:
- an air of the unknown
- communication that both people understand
- communication that makes both participants feel special, understood, unique
- both people acting as a mirror for the other, reflecting the image of one’s best self.
The following scenario might sound familiar: You go out with a guy. You had a fun time. You want to see him again. You start thinking about him all the time. You tell your friends how much you in common. You even start imagining what your life would be together. Maybe you could even fall in love with him…
STOP IT! Stop doing that! Let’s put things in perspective.
Credit: Torbak Hopper
This guy, the one who you are imagining spending the rest of your life with, is a complete stranger. Well, a complete stranger minus 2 hours, which was the amount of time you spent together on the date. You don’t even know him. How can he fill up most of your thought space?
If we agree that you barely know this guy, yet you are using most of your thought space thinking about him, does it most likely mean that you are imagining/creating most of the things about him?
Today we will be looking at one of my fav pet hates: internet dating!
As some of you know, I have written many posts, depicting why internet dating is the devil’s spawn (too much?). Apart from the fact that the people you are meeting online are connected to no one in particular, and they don’t have the ‘vouched-for’ factor, there are other reasons online dating doesn’t work. The questions are not right for matching people and, therefore, the algorithms are incorrect. Fortunately, a very smart woman named Amy Webb, used her mathematical skills to create algorithms that do work. If you have a spare 17 minutes, I suggest you watch this. It’s brilliant and it has a happy ending…
How I Hacked Online Dating
Have you had any success with online dating?
If you’d like some dating advice from a social anthropologist, I’d love to help. Whether it’s private coaching you’re after or just a chat, please feel free to contact me!
Many of you know that I recently published my new book: The Flirt Interpreter: Flirting Signs from Around the World.
In this book, I explore how singles in the cities of N.Y.C., Paris, London and Stockholm flirt. Here is one of my favourite quotes about flirting from a London male: ‘Flirting is like an arms race. Start small and with any luck it goes nuclear.’ Can you tell he was ex-military?
credit: Ryan Smith Photography
Here are some important flirting tips:
- Focus on the other person and fine-tune your flirting style accordingly. You will be able to pick up important cues about them and develop rapport more quickly. You’ll also be attuned to when your charm is having the desired effect. Are they becoming more comfortable? Holding your gaze longer? Touching your arm, perhaps?