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What is Flirtology?

Flirtology is a science-based method of teaching flirting. Using scientific research, and proven flirting techniques, I can help anyone to become a Fearless Flirter.

I have helped thousands of others, and I can help you too. Are you ready to take a major fork in the road, which will positively affect the rest of your life? Welcome to Flirtology!

How to Tell When Someone is Flirting with You

Hey lovely flirters! Today I wanted to share with you a clip that I made with my lovely intern, Miles. Please forgive us, as the sound quality isn’t the best. However, you will find the people I interviewed, and their flirting advice, is of the highest quality! I must admit, I also did a little flirting of my own that day…

But, before you go, are you interested in become a class A flirt, because you want to use your new-found skills to find yourself a luuuuurve match? Well, then it’s your lucky day. I am running my sold out course again, ‘8 Weeks to a Match: Find your Partner by Fall’. And, the early bird really does get the match, and a big discount. Have a look here.






Why your Partner Criteria is All Wrong

You are on a first date: how do you know if the person sitting across from you is going to be your next Mr. or Ms. Right? If you are the woman I met on Saturday night, you will make him skip. She tells me, ‘This shows that he is up for a laugh’. She then added,  ‘Oh, don’t worry. I always go first to show them how’. Another woman said that if he doesn’t share his food, it’s an immediate no-go. Both of these women have good points. Who wouldn’t want a partner who was up for a laugh and shares their food? But then I think of my wonderful husband, who would, flat out refuse to do the ‘skip’ test, (although he has a wonderful sense of humour) and certainly doesn’t share his food with me (much to my annoyance). I would have missed out on a wonderful partner, if I had based our potential future relationship on these two criteria.

But these aren’t the only situations where people are using the wrong criteria to assess potential partners. One client told me that because she was assertive and confident, that the man would have to be the one to approach her otherwise, she believed, she would railroad right over him. I understand why this woman would need someone equally confident but, once again, the criteria she was using, was completely ineffective. My husband is self-assured, and certainly an equal partner for me, but would have never come up to me without knowing me or someone whom I was with. Her criteria means she is attracting the wrong guys and missing out on the right ones. There are far too many case of women making up their own yard sticks, without any merit, and using them to assess potential partners. They’re doing themselves more harm than good.

Now, if you are a guy, you are probably in the other direction, you don’t have enough criteria. For guys, it’s a matter of three simple criteria to gauge Ms. Right:

  1. All of your friends are settling down. This has less to do with the woman, and everything to do with your timing in life.
  2. She is pretty. Not pretty as in a model, or everyone stares when she enters a room, kind of way. It’s just that you think she’s pretty (and it doesn’t hurt if your friends agree, although not too much. You don’t want your friends lusting over your lady)
  3. She is nice to you. You want to be with someone who you look forward to share your space with. Not a drama queen, not someone uptight, just nice.

There, that’s it. No skipping involved for the women. I am not suggesting that this is a better way. In fact, most of my male clients are very perplexed when I ask them what their 5 Deal-breakers are for a partner (5 must-have criteria for a future mate). ‘Oh well, I’ve never thought of that before’ is the frequent response.

Whether you are looking for a man or a woman, it’s important to think about what is really important to you: the five deal-breakers. Everything else is either a Christmas wish list or something sparkly, that’s not important, but very distracting. You can read more about deal-breakers here. Or, better yet, sign up for some private coaching with the expert ( I don’t care what Gove says, an expert is very useful), and know that you are completely on track.

credit: JorisLouwes

The Most Important Thing, That You’re not Doing

Why don’t we ever say anything to Shelia in accounting when she, continually, pilfers our favourite pens? Nor do we say anything to our friend Brian, when he assumes that we will pick up the tab…again? Why don’t tell our parents that we’d love for them to come and stay with us, but not for 10 days?

Why don’t we ever say anything?

It’s because we don’t have boundaries. And, we are afraid of what might happen if we lay some down. But this is a mistake, according to Brene Brown. It’s also one of the biggest misconceptions that she found in her research. While you might be thinking that if you put down some boundaries people might get upset, or even stop liking you. She found that putting down boundaries has the opposite effect. It doesn’t make people like you less or make you feel horrible. It actually increases your capacity for love and compassion.

‘The most compassionate and loving people i have met are those with firm boundaries’ – Brene Brown

You can watch more of her amazing interview here. http://www.estherperel.com/boundaries/

How can you become better at boundaries? My advice is to use ‘The 3 Be’s’:

  1. Be true to yourself. The more we stifle our inner voice, the harder it is becomes to act how we really want to be. The more you start listening and acting accordingly, the easier it becomes.
  2. Be clear. Don’t make the mistake of being ambiguous thinking that it will make things easier. It won’t. It will only make things more confusing. Don’t be passive aggressive, hoping they will get the hint (they don’t think anything is wrong, why would they be looking for a hint?)
  3. Be kind. This means being kind to yourself first, by setting the boundary. And then kind to the other person, by giving a straightforward, calm, and clear delivery. Assume that this person is doing the best they can and not, intentionally, trying to piss you off.

Most importantly, if you follow these three rules, it means that you won’t be caught up in their response. They are free to react to you, however they would like. You did your bit, the only part you have any control over, and now they can do theirs. You are separate from them. You are not responsible for them.

I will be giving a talk on ‘How to turn a confrontation into a conversation with work colleagues’ this Tuesday at an event run by Stylist. You can find out more here.


How to Make Flirting Easier

A few weeks ago, someone from the Flirtology community wrote to me asking for advice. He wrote, ‘I would like to learn anything that will help me to feel more confident and less self-conscious and, generally, to enjoy flirting and dating more.’

I think it’s fair to say that if you are looking at this process as a part-time job, one where you ‘put in the time’ but don’t get paid, it’s no wonder that this seems like hard work! However, in answer to Ravi’s question (not his real name) I offer the following three points:

1) When are you on a date with someone the fun stops, and pressure appears, the moment you decide if this person could be ‘the one’. Whew! That is a lot of expectation for the other person and for you. Let’s just slow things down a bit and concentrate on who is going to get the last piece of pizza.

2) The trick to not feeling self-conscious whilst flirting is to not focus on yourself. Since we only have a certain amount of energy in any interactions, don’t use it on yourself! Instead put your energy into the other person. Who is this person? Are they having fun? Did you just say something that made them blush? Smile? You can only see the fun affects of flirting if you are not focused on yourself and, instead,  in that moment with them. That is when the flirting gets fun!!

3) Finally, stay in the moment. Don’t fast forward 5 years ahead to your wedding. Don’t try and think, ‘What are they thinking?’, ‘What would they like me to say and do?’ Firstly, you don’t know what they are thinking. Be polite and let that person have their own thoughts without you trying to intrude. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what they would like you to do and say, because you only want to be with someone who likes you, not a fake version of someone whom you think they’d like. Besides, how do you know that they’d prefer this, made-up version, to you? This brings me to one of Flirtology’s favourite mottos. Act like yourself and you will attract those who like you!

If you think you might need some more assistance with this, you should really check out my new online course, ‘How to Attract, Approach, and Allure’. You can read more here.